What I Learn From Each Birth
by Shelly Gilliland
In an ideal world, every birthing mom’s labor and delivery will culminate in the birth of a healthy baby, everybody will be deliriously happy, and they will all live happily ever after! In the real world, however, even when the baby is born healthy there may be less-than-ideal family dynamics going on before, during, and after the birth. This is when a doula can really make a difference for mom and dad/partner by handling the situation promptly and professionally.
As a doula, I have been fortunate that all my clients’ births have been relatively “easy”, in terms of family relationships. Everybody was willing to do whatever the birthing mom wanted and nobody caused trouble. Except for one! And this one birth actually taught me more about the value of a doula than all the others put together.
I knew from my prenatal visits that both mom and dad were concerned about mom’s mom being at the birth. This grandma was a single mom and her about-to-give-birth daughter was her entire life. She wanted to be in the room from beginning to end and she absolutely wanted to witness the birth of her first grandchild.
Unfortunately, she could neither hear nor accept her daughter’s wishes, and when the big day arrived, grandma showed up on the scene early with the determination of a mother bear protecting her cub. My job, though, was to find a way to keep grandma out of the room and minimize her contact with my client because that is what a doula does: helps her client achieve her birth plan as much as possible. My client had made it clear that her birth plan did not include grandma in the room at the time of birth, and although this was a new situation for me, it became my responsibility to intervene early.
The overbearing grandma had arrived in an excited rush, bearing gifts and endless chatter – all about herself and her labor and birth story. I realized in less than five minutes that I had to assert myself quickly and professionally before the situation got out of control. Fortunately, with the help of the nurses, we were able to minimize grandma’s time with my laboring mom. Unfortunately, grandma never ‘took the hint,’ but continued to try and bully her way into the room. Again, we enlisted the support of the labor nurse as necessary and she announced to grandma that it was time to wait in the waiting room.
After a very long induction and labor, my clients finally welcomed their healthy baby into the world, and I assumed the volatile situation was over…but that was not to be. I stayed with mom while dad went to announce details to the waiting relatives. He returned to say his mother-in-law was sitting off in a corner by herself so he informed her that she ‘had better do nothing to ruin this day for her daughter.’ Now I had Papa Bear protecting his wife and cub!
I spent a few short but very important minutes with mom and dad talking about how we were going to proceed from this point. I acknowledged mom’s tears and sadness that her mom couldn’t put aside her own wants and needs, and I assured her she wasn’t the first mom to experience this. I also made sure she knew it was something we could and would talk about soon but assured her it did not have to be addressed or resolved this very minute. What mattered now was getting baby to her breast for the important bonding that this family needed and deserved.
In the meantime, I went out and talked to all the relatives (separately!) in an effort to calm the situation and assure them that they would all get to meet the new baby as soon as possible. I also stressed to them how important it was that this conflict be postponed for the time being.
This birth turned out to be my most challenging, but one that I knew I had to handle well for the sake of my clients. Mom, dad and I were able to process the situation extensively at our post-partum visits, and I spent a few extra visits helping mom work through her feelings.
In the end, I suggested she consult a professional therapist because I knew she needed more than I, in my doula role, could give her. She was receptive to the idea and asked me to accompany her to the first appointment so I could care for baby while she addressed her needs. I was more than happy to assist my client in this way, and she is now seeing the therapist regularly while dad takes care of baby!
My clients learned the value of communicating about the problems they anticipated even though, at the time, they did not know their rights; let alone how to handle the situation. Not only did they learn that their concerns were legitimate, but that, even without a doula, hospital staff could and would protect them. They also learned the value of communicating about potential problems instead of letting it become ‘the elephant in the room.’ And beyond the unfortunate scene at the hospital, they now have professional resources to help them work toward a better family system in the future. This new information has already made them better parents and partners!
What I learned at this birth was the importance of all information discussed at prenatal visits, and especially the importance of supporting my clients’ emotional needs when family relationships are less than ideal. This birth was not about me and it was certainly not about ‘grandma’: This birth was about mom, dad, and baby – as well it should have been!
